Too far, Ohio State football. Too far.
In a move more befitting a big-time bank heist — or a vindictive love triangle between teenagers — the Buckeyes swiped two Michigan football assistant coaches, Greg Mattison and Al Washington, in two days.
So that’s the way it’s gonna be under new OSU coach Ryan “Lights Out” Day’s regime, eh?
First, has anyone seen Jay Harbaugh lately? Are we sure he’s safe and in a secure location?
Second … hey, Buckeyes, keep your dirty mitts off our stuff in Michigan!
What’s next? You guys gonna come after Bob Seger, the Mackinac Bridge and Zingerman’s?
Who wants to live in Ohio anyway, with all its show-off clean air from having vehicle-emissions testing, its glitzy well-paved toll roads, and those look-at-me football national championships that were won this century?
We’ve got Kristen Bell, a great shoreline and Michigan lefts.
And let’s not forget what happened the last time you guys wanted to slug it out over some property. OK, you guys won the Toledo War. I think Gen. Jedediah Ezekiel Harbaugh was leading the Michigan Militia. But since you ended up with Toledo and we got the Upper Peninsula, we know who the real victors were.
I will give Day his due for his Machiavellian moves. It’s pure genius and part of the heartbeat that makes college sports the passionate pastime that’s so fun to watch.
Just keep your hands off Zingerman’s.
Outlined against a blue-gray January sky, I caught a little of the Michigan-Notre Dame outdoor hockey game at Notre Dame Stadium last week on television.
I’ve never been a big fan of outdoor hockey games because the fans are seated so far from the ice. But I was struck by how the Fighting Irish’s uniform — gold helmets, blue top and blue socks with gold pants — made them look like old-time college football players from the Four Horsemen era of the 1920s.
I’m sure my great-grandfather, Grantland Ezekial Monarrez, would have appreciated the game. And bonus points for Notre Dame’s slogan for the game: “Let’s take this outside.”
Notre Dame outdoor game rating: Plus-minus 12/10. Note Dame outdoor game spirit animal: A frozen Leprechaun.
This best thing I heard last week
Hat tip to former Free Press editor Al Toby for bringing Rickie Ricardo’s call in Spanish of Cody Parkey’s 43-yard field goal miss for the Chicago Bears against the Philadelphia Eagles in last week’s wild-card NFL playoff game.
Ricardo (yes, that’s his real name; editors, please insert a face palm emoji here) is the Eagles’ Spanish-language play-by-play radio announcer.
After Parkey double-doinked his kick, Ricardo went nuts and screamed: “NO, SEÑOR! NO, SEÑOR! NO, SEÑOR! NO, SEÑOR! NO, SEÑOR! NO, SEÑOR!”
That’s six “NO, SEÑORES!” Predictably, there’s a $25 T-shirt that memorializes his call from Rush Order Tees, which gets bonus points for including “Spanish announcers > Joe Buck” in the description.
Ricardo’s rating: 16/10. Ricardo’s spirit animal: Russ Hodges.
The best thing I saw last week
I always suspected stadium employees did this, and now there is proof. On the way to get aerial shots of Arrowhead Stadium for the Indianapolis Colts-Kansas City Chiefs game, KCTV5’s news chopper caught someone playing Mario Kart on Kauffman Stadium’s 85-foot-by-104-foot Crown Vision.
But hey, it could have been worse. A lot worse. Someone could have had Arthur Morgan taking a “deluxe bath” while playing “Red Dead Redemption II.”
Actually, the Royals tweeted it was part of a fundraiser and that using Crown Vision for video games might be an auction item later this year. I’m submitting my bid as soon as possible. I’ve got “Donkey Kong” and “Tecmo Bowl” loaded up and ready to go.
Crown Vision rating: 3-2-1/10. Crown Vision’s spirit animal: The Ford-Wyoming Drive-In.
Contact Carlos Monarrez at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter @cmonarrez.